Delta Quadrant Fever: Stardate 1995704
by Wexamillion Major
Summary: The very first episode of Delta Quadrant Fever, the ultimate Star Trek Voyager parody.
1. A dogfight up the wazoo!

Delta Quadrant Fever – Stardate 19957

Delta Quadrant Fever – Stardate 19957.04 – Chapter One: A Dogfight up the wazoo.

WARNING, the story you are about to see is the dramatization of USS Voyager's disappearance, reader's discretion is advised.

Somewhere near Terikof Belt, the Badlands (Stardate 19957.04) 0145 Hours

It all began somewhere in the Badlands where at first, it was just a regular dogfight, and then some time later, it would all change. Now back to the dogfight, the Maquis' "Top Dog" Raider, _Val Jean_, has just won an ass-kicking victory by stealing the schematic plans of the "Obsidian Order's brand-spanking new can of Cardassian whoop-ass", the _Keldon-class_ Warskiff, similar to the hull of the Galor-class cruiser, but has been "pimped out" with cloaking devices, enhanced warp drive and "weapons to the ceiling". During the fight, this is what happened after Cardassian political asshole, Gul Evek, began to open fire on _Val Jean_ with his cockeyed/banged-up Galor-class cruiser, _Vetar_:

Chakotay: "REPORT?"

Tuvok: "Shields logically holding at 60!!"

B'Elanna Torres: "A lie?"

Tuvok: "A defense method!"

Chakotay: "A fucked-up lie?"

Tuvok: "Why in the hell are you people asking me this?"

Chakotay: "Just testing your _Vulcan Logics_, that's all?"

Tuvok: "Yeah, well, cut the shit out!!"

Torres: "Right! You know Chakotay, there's one thing I like about the Maquis?"

Chakotay: "What's that?"

Torres: "We get to whip some Cardassian ass in old, worn out Raiders in hostile Plasma Storms that crushes the Cardassian "rides" into dust."

Chakotay: "Damn straight! And remember, once we get these plans back to Nick Locarno, there will a helluva lot ass-kicking!"

Torres: "Gotcha!"

Chakotay: "Damnit, the Gul's right behind us! And now he decides he's going to hail!"

Gul Evek: "Yo, Chakotay, I believe you have something of mine, fork it over or I and "friends" will be all over your ass like stink on shit. Evek out"

Jonas Locarno: "By the way Chakotay, when we stop by Terikof III, we'll be needing more bath towels, 'cause were running out of them!"

Chakotay chuckles "I'll keep that in mind! Torres, duck us into the Badlands. Let's see you Cardassian bastards do 90!"

As _Val Jean_ ducks in to the Badlands, _Vetar_ gets crushed into dust after Gul Evek tried to increase his impulse at 90 light-miles per hour. But something else happens, something way too unusual…

Chakotay: "You see, I told you we would lose them Cardassian bastards!"

Torres: "Ah, shit!"

Chakotay: "Now what?"

Torres: "We are being scanned by a Coherent Tetryon Beam from an unknown source!"

Chakotay: "Wouldn't that turn into a Displacement Wave?"

Torres: "Theoretically, yes!"

Chakotay: "Tuvok how much time till the Displacement Wave arrives? Tuvok?"

Torres: "Tuvok?"

Both Chakotay and Torres yelling at once: TUVOK!

Tuvok: "What the hell do you want?"

Chakotay: "HOW LONG TILL THE DISPLACEMENT WAVE ARRIVES, Jesus! For the love of God man, pay attention!

Tuvok: "None at all!"

Torres: "A lie?"

Tuvok: "A possibility!"

And so, it happened, the Displacement Wave arrived, and incinerated _Val Jean_ into dust.


	2. Where in the hell is Tom Paris

Delta Quadrant Fever – Stardate 19957

Delta Quadrant Fever – Stardate 19957.04 – Chapter Two: "Where in the hell is Tom Paris?"

Federation Penal Settlement, New Zealand (Stardate 19957.04) – 0807 Hrs.

Captain Kathryn Janeway: Captain's Log, Stardate 19957.04, shortly after the commissioning ceremony of U.S.S. Voyager, I headed back to the Federation Penal Settlement in New Zealand to check up on Tom Paris, to see if he hadn't raised anymore hell, I sure hope he didn't, 'cause if he did, there will be some hell to pay!"

Here we are, Federation Penal Settlement in New Zealand, Janeway is just about to pick up troublemaker Tom Paris, but comes to find out, he's not there…

SD-109: Control, this is SD-109, approaching to the Penal Settlement, over!

Penal Settlement Control Tower: SD-109, you are clear to pick up Tom Paris and deliver the rest of the boarding party to NCC-74656, over.

Upon arrival, she learns of Tom's whereabouts:

Lieutenant Lucian Lasca: "Captain Janeway, right?"

Janeway: "As you were, Lieutenant…"

Lasca: "Lasca madam, I was told you were arriving here, so I volunteered in the search for Tom Paris."

Lieutenant Commander Farva Cavit: "Lieutenant, it is agreeable to see you again!"

Lasca: "Yeah, right, dumbass!"

Although Lasca greeted Janeway, but he has a problem with his girlfriend, Saraphine Libby.

Janeway: "What the hell is his problem?"

Farva Cavit: "chuckles From what I heard, his girlfriend, Saraphine Libby, was falling for Harry Kim."

Janeway: "And yet, he gets pissed off about that?"

Cavit: "Right you are. Now, on to Tom."

Janeway: "Oh, right. So, what happened to Tom this time?"

Cavit: "Oh, let me see, uh, he was caught partying at the Roxbury in Las Vegas "rock hard" 3 weeks out of this Penal Settlement, then he was charged with 13 hefty DUI charges since his first escape attempt, then he tried to initiate a Kolvoord Starburst at a Nova Squadron ceremony and killed Best Cadet Jake Vigo, Miranda Vigo's nephew.

Janeway: "Good God!"

Cavit: "Yeah, but thanks to Hannibal Lecter, Lennie Briscoe, Rey Curtis, Edward Green & Owen Paris, we finally tracked him down at a Starfleet Nightclub in San Francisco."

Now we go to a Nightclub in San Francisco, it is called, the Locarno Lambada, which is a mix of a strip club, 13 bars, 95 pubs & The Main Dance Floor, in which forms the central basis of "this Nightclub" Anyway, like I was saying…

Jonas Cavit: "So, Tom, what drinks shall I serve you tonight?"

Tom Paris: "2 shots of Stardrifter, 13 shots of Klingon Bloodwine, 5 shots of Jack Daniels #07 – Straight Up, 9 shots of "Sex On The Beach", 4 shots of Black Hole, 5 shots of Aldebaran Whiskey and 1 shot of the "Locarno Won Ton!"

Cavit: "You got it, and they're comin' right up!"

Edward Green: "I would say the opposite."

Cavit: "WHAT THE SAM'S HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?"

Lennie Briscoe: "We are just going to have a "little talk" with him."

Paris: "Yo, Jonas, don't let them take my ass out of here."

Rey Charles: "Your under arrest for being drunk under intoxication upon first escape attempt of the Federation Penal Settlement in New Zealand, for murdering Jake Vigo at a Nova Squadron ceremony and for escaping to the Roxbury in Las Vegas."

Paris: "So where in the Sam's hell are you guys taking me?"

Briscoe: "U.S.S. Voyager, 'cause Janeway will deal with the rest of you then and there."

Paris: "Huh?"


	3. Deep Space Nine

Delta Quadrant Fever – Stardate 19957

Delta Quadrant Fever – Stardate 19957.04 – Chapter 3: Deep Space Nine

Ah, here we are, Deep Space Nine, "the station that never sleeps". Some people might think that this day will turn out normal (for example, just another day to fight the transgressions of the Maquis Drug Runners and their Boomshining operations on Terikof III), but the truth is, that this day will be long remembered, by both friend and foe.

Wexamillion Albatros Major: "Stardate 19957.4. Personal log, Deep Space Nine, Wex Major speaking. After three months, I finally concluded the most toughest assignment aboard this station yet, cataloguing Tachyon Discharges in the Denorios Belt, better known as, the Bajoran Wormhole. It is now 1000 Hours in the station's Promenade, and I am enjoying my "off-duty" time with my friends here. But I am so pleased to report that the assignment itself had functioned very well."

Homer Simpson: "TGIF guys, I'm off to Quark's!"

Lenny Leonard: "But Homer, its only Tuesday!"

Carl Carlson: "Yeah, and its only 10 in the morning!"

Wex Major: "But don't worry you guys, 'cause I have a plan, I saw this in a movie about a Shuttlecraft that had to speed around Federation space, keeping its speed over Warp 5, and if its speed dropped, it would explode with a lethal Tetryon discharge, I think it was called, "The Shuttlecraft That Never Slows Down". Anyway, all I have to do is hook in this cord from my VCR into the Security Camera, and then insert an old videotape of us at Urban Playgrounds on a continuous loop. OK guys, let's bust the hell outta here."

After I inserted the tape, we headed on over to Quark's for a few Stardrifters and Black Holes. The tape I inserted was an old tape about me and my friends at the Urban Playgrounds, which was a cityscape paradise south of San Diego, California. Now on to O'Brien and Bashir, what did they comment on the tape? Let's find out:

Julian Bashir: "So another weeknight's upon us, what are you going to be doing Miles, something gay no doubt?"

Miles O'Brien: "Wha… What?!"

Bashir: "Oh, you know, light-hearted, fancy-free mothers lock up your daughter Molly, O'Brien's on the town!"

O'Brien: "Yeah, your point exactly, stupid jackass!"

Now we move on to the "General Manager" of the station, Ben Sisko, as he's about to receive a Starfleet Collect Call from the Federation President:

Benjamin Sisko: "Good God, look at how many attacks from the Maquis we had received from 3 weeks ago, 2,000 attacks from Aldebaran III, 1,900 attacks from the Typhon Expanse, and at least 23 attacks from the Badlands. This is the worst track record from the Maquis I've ever seen."

His phone rings

Sisko: "Go for Papa Sisko?"

Collect Call Voice: "You've got a Collect Call from…

Male Voice: "…Federation President Jaresh-Inyo."

Sisko: "Ah, great, now what the hell does he want? Picks up phone Hey, Mr. President, what's chillin'? Whoa, whoa, whoa, just slow down. Huh? What do you mean by "new internship"? Ah, fuck, fuck, fuuck! Who is it going to be this time? Are you shitting me? Wexamillion Major? On what ship? Voyager? That's an Intrepid-class vessel. Ah, alright, I let him know. Yep, thanks for your time. See ya Bro."

Now we on back to the Promenade, for a brief moment only:

Sisko on P.A.: "Reminder, the people who signed up to live aboard U.S.S. Voyager, will be leaving our station at 1900 Hours, but be there at the Docking Rings no later than 1845, sorry, no exceptions."

O'Brien: "Yo, Wex?"

Wex: "Yeah, Miles?"

O'Brien: "Mr. Sisko would like you and some of your friends to visit him in his office."

Wex: "Yeah, tell him we'll be right there."

18 : 30 : 31

18 : 30 : 32

18 : 30 : 33

18 : 30 : 34

18 : 30 : 35

Wex: "Yo, Brother Sisko, wanted to see us?"

Sisko: "You bet I have, 'cause I just got off a Starfleet Collect Call with the Federation President, and he and I have come to an agreement that you will be made Full Internship aboard a Federation starship. The internship that the Federation President assigned you to was our visiting vessel, U.S.S. Voyager, in which is an Intrepid-class vessel."

Simpson: "Hey, I heard those starship offerings for a job were so damn expensive!"

Carlson: "Yeah, but think about it Homer, we finally get to be on one of them."

Simpson: "Yeah, but what the casualty costs from wars or even the costs of… wait a minute? Maybe you are right, Carl, 'cause with those type of ships, we'll be part of the most powerful fleet in the history of Starfleet."

Wex: "Damn straight, Homer."

Sisko: "And remember, you'll be riding on a Shuttlecraft designated as: SD-109."

Wex: "You bet, I'll see you around Sisko!"

Sisko: "You too, Wex."


	4. Aboard Voyager

Delta Quadrant Fever – Stardate 19957

Delta Quadrant Fever – Stardate 19957.04 – Chapter 4: Aboard Voyager

Wexamillion Major: "Personal Log, supplemental. Thanks to the agreement made between Benjamin Sisko of Deep Space Nine and Federation President Jaresh-Inyo via "Starfleet Collect Call", the decision was finally made that I can be placed as a Full Intern aboard a Federation starship. The internship that Jaresh-Inyo assigned me to was the visiting Intrepid-class vessel, U.S.S. Voyager. This ship, I didn't know fully about, is equipped with a Bio-Neural Gel Pack Isolinear Processor, in which is the most advanced computer systems on the Starfleet Market today, and that this ship has the registry number: NCC-74656. There's just something about the registry number, but what, I don't have the foggiest idea."

Here we are, right near the Intrepid-class vessel that will someday become legendary, U.S.S. Voyager. Now let's move to a type-6 shuttlecraft

Wex: "Is that Voyager, Mrs. Stadi?"

Lieutenant Alicia Stadi: "Damn straight!"

Wex: "Freakin' sweet!"

Tom Paris muffled: "Hey, dumbasses, where in Sam's hell am I?"

Wex: "Who the hell is that?"

Stadi: "Oh, that's Thomas Eugene Paris, he recently got charged with 13 hefty DUI charges in a row since his first escape attempt of the Federation Penal Settlement in New Zealand. That's why he's in that damn Detention Capsule."

Wex: "What the hell happened to your leg?"

Stadi: "What, oh yeah, I broke it after I performed the Betazoid 900 at the 15th Annual Betazoid Gymnasiust Tournament of Champions."

Wex: "Damn, that's gotta hurt for a beautiful Betazoid like you?"

Stadi: "Oh, Wex you're such a charmer."

Wex: "No, come on?"

Stadi: "Wex, you're the nicest guy I've met!"

Wex: "Really?"

Stadi: "You bet!"

SD-109: "Voyager, this is SD-109, approaching your Shuttlebay, over!"

Shuttlebay Control: "SD-109, you are clear to deliver Wexamillion Major and party to NCC-74656, over."

Upon arrival, I was shocked; it felt like I was in the most luxurious starships available. First I looked at the Bridge, then I went on over to the Mess Hall to replicate a few 6-packs of SURGE and 3 bags of Quetzaltenango Doritos, a brand of Doritos that is "made" by the merciless inmates of the Guatemalan Insane Asylum. And then I bump into Harry Kim when I was headed for my Stateroom:

Harold Kim: gasps "You're Wexamillion Major!"

Wex: "You're Damn right I am."

Kim: "The name's Harry Kim."

Wex: "Pleasure's all mine."

Kim: "If you're looking for your Quarters, its on Deck 7, Section 9-Delta."

Wex: "Thanks Harry."

Kim: "No problemo, Wex. Oh, Wex, by the way, Capt. Janeway is thinking that sometime later, if no one else is available, that she wants you to pilot Voyager to the Badlands to pursue Val Jean, a Maquis Raider. Think you're up to the job?"

Wex: "Hell yeah, I'm in."

Kim: "Alright Wex, I'll let her know."

Then of course I went to my "Stateroom". My stateroom had a Replicator or two, an LCD Flat Panel Screen (50' Inch), a "light switch" that turns the stateroom's lights on/off by simply moving a palm of a hand over the control surface, which was located on Sleep Number Bed #01 (the stateroom somehow had Sleep Number Beds, don't ask why!).

Wex: Now this is a stateroom, guys!"

Carlson: "Check out the bed! jumps onto the Sleep Number Bed"

Leonard: "Nice lamp flicks the lights on/off via the "special switch" I mentioned about"

Simpson: "Ooh, a Garbage Chute."

Wex: Whoa, Homer, back away from the fucking Garbage Chute, pal?"

Leonard: Yeah, 'cause I heard of a "Fatman Starfleet Officer" who got sucked in a small Garbage Chute."

Carlson: Yeah, and it took Starfleet five hours to get the Fatman out of there."

Simpson: "So did the Grammy Judges when they were judging Jon Bon Jovi's "These Days"! chuckles"

Then, unexpectedly, Homer gets sucked into the Garbage Chute, but somehow, when I looked out from my Stateroom Window, Homer was found floating at a workstation near Voyager's Docking Ring, then unexpectedly, this happens:

Wex: "Yo, Stan?"

Stop there for a minute, I forgot to introduce to the rest of my friends, #1, is Stanley Dawson Marsh, who I met at South Park, CO, shortly before I took down Cyberdyne in alternate 1997. #2, is Kyle Broflovski, one of Stan's friends. #3, is Eric Cartman, another one of Stan's friends. #4, is Kenneth McCormick, yet another one of Stan's friends. #5, is Jonas Geemer Zebeth, a Geemer prisoner inmate I freed from a former Federal Prison in Virginia that was token over by ABHs in the 1970s, also about him, he speaks exactly like Dr. Rick Dagless MD, the top-rated doctor of Fareview Darkplace Hospital in Princeton, MN, USA, NA, Earth, Sector 001. # 6, is Zeebo Sanchez, a War Wasp, but he's also an inmate I rescued at that Federal Prison along with Jonas, also about him is that he speaks exactly like Dr. Lucien Sanchez, friend to Dr. Rick Dagless MD. And finally, Thorton Geebo Reed, a Shuggoth Beetle, is yet another one of them inmates of that Federal Prison I rescued along with Sanch who has a voice like Dean Learner, but a sarcastic mind of Darkplace Hospital Manager Thorton Reed. Now back to where I was:

Wex: "Yo, Stan?"

Stanley Marsh: "What's going down?"

Wex: "Homer's floating outside of our quarters into a Worker's Station, see if you can get it on video, sounds cool?"

Stan: "Hell yeah. By the way, how the hell did he get out there?"

Wex: "Garbage Chute."

Stan: "Roger that…"

Jonas Geemer Zebeth: "He's headed for the Workstation."

Then Stan started to roll the film, as Homer gets in the way of "Dock Furbushers".

Dock Worker #1: "My, God, there's a young man out by the workstation."

Dock Worker #2: "Let's go kick his ass!"

Dock Worker #3: "Calling all workers, calling all workers, we've got a young man that needs his ass kicked, ASAP."

Dock Worker Chieftain: "Roger that."

Then what happens is that Homer, as cynically funny as he always was, starts knockbacking dock personnel one by one through the rhythm of the Blue Danube Waltz. Suddenly…

Dock Worker #1: "It looks like he's trying to speak to me, I know it!"

Then Homer's "Hero Attack" ultimately shatters his EVA Suit's Visior:

Dock Worker #1: "AAAHH SHIT, MY EYES, MY BEAUTIFUL EYES. AAAHHH DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH HURTS!!"

Then Homer finishes his "prank" off by using his "Airwalk Rock Bottom" on the remaining dock personnel. (NOTE: The last of the remaining dock personnel was "Rock Bottomed" so hard that it sent him flying at 95 light-miles per hour.) Sadly though, I had to "reel" him in.

Wex: "Alright Stan, did it get everything?"

Stan: "Every piece of memorable information is in there."

Both Wex & Stan: "YES!"

Simpson: "What's so cheerful?"

Wex: "We recorded your "Dock Prank!"

Carlson: "Yeah, and if he didn't recorded it, there wouldn't be a better time!"

Simpson: "Thanks, Wex, I owe you a beer."

Wex: "Don't mention it."

Then this happens:

Officer on INTERCOM: "Bridge to Wexamillion Major."

Wex: "Wex here, go ahead!"

Officer on INTERCOM: "Capt. Janeway has granted you the honor to pilot _Starship Voyager_ into the Badlands on her first mission to pursue _Val Jean_ in the Badlands, will you take that offer?"

Wex: "I will gladly take that offer, sir! I will be with you guys shortly."

Officer on INTERCOM: "Roger that Wex."

Wex: "Alright guys, I'll be right back, I going to pilot my first ship at warp speed."

Simpson: "I thought you piloted a ship at warp speed?"

Wex: "Most of the ships I pilotted were at emergency impulse, like remember what happened at the Dyson Sphere aboard the _Enterprise_?"

Simpson: "Oh, yeah, now I remember. In which I had to notice because I was high on Aldebaran Whiskey in the Ten-Forward Lounge at the time."

Wex: "Alright Stan, watch over the gang until I get back, clear?"

Stan: "Roger, roger!"

Wex: "OK, let's do it ladies!"


End file.
